Dear Readers,
Do you remember the commercial ad that asked, "Where's the beef?" Well, this month I ask, "Where's the if?"
The Random House Dictionary of the English Language defines if as a conjunction that means
" in case that; granting or supposing that; on condition that." In other words, implying a condition on which something depends. It may be used to indicate suppositions or hypothetical conditions. Lately in my research, I have found that people tend to leave out that very small but very important word.
In the examples below, I will put a _ where I believe the if should go, although I am positive that my readers are smart enough to figure it out.
Example: In the TV show "Vegas" episode entitled "Little Fish", Las Vegas deputy sheriff Dixon Lamb wants help from Tommy, the entertainment director of the Savoy casino, to get a girl he's seeing to drop the older man she's linked to. Tommy says to Dixon, "_ I do this for you, I'm gonna need something from you." Considering that Tommy and the Savoy crew hail from the mob in Chicago, perhaps this is vernacular speech.
Example: Janet Evanovich's novel, Three to Get Deadly, has a female bounty hunter as her heroine.
In this book, experienced bounty hunter Ranger comments to novice Stephanie Plum on her less-than-professional attire, "You're going to give bounty hunters a bad name _ you go around looking like that." I would expect a person of his means to speak this way.
Example: Also found in Evanovich's above-mentioned novel, a minor character of the shady variety says to our heroine the bounty hunter, "_ I diversify, I make a shitload of money, excuse my language..." I suppose a shady character would also speak this way.
Example: In the episode "Details" of the TV show "Elementary", NYPD Captain Gregson explains to one of his detectives, who is under suspicion of murdering a gang leader, that he'll be put on administrative duty until the suspicion is resolved. Gregson says, "Hey, _ I don't bench you, how's it gonna play?" Is being a New York city police captain on a par with a Chicago mobster and a New Jersey bounty hunter as far as common speech is concerned? I wonder.
Example: Richard Castle, titular crime novelist of the TV show "Castle", is upset with his paramour, NYPD Detective Kate Becket because she had an out of state job interview without telling him. He says to her, "What does that tell you about us? Not much, _ you ask me." Do best-selling novelists speak this way? Or just the scriptwriters?
Example: On "Army Wives", episode "Blood and Treasure", Army colonel Joan Burton is offered a position at the War College in Washington, D.C. Her husband, a civilian, is offered a teaching job in a Baltimore university. He says to her, " _You accept that invitation, this marriage is over." He's a psychiatrist. You would think he could remember to add a two-letter word.
Example: Alicia Florrick, a Chicago attorney and wife of a politician in the TV show "The Good Wife", warns her mother about confronting her husband. She says to mom, "_ You talk to Peter and I'll never let you see the kids again." And this lady is a lawyer.
Example: A medical examiner on the show "Scandal", episode "Beltway Unbuckled", gives his autopsy report of a dead female victim. He opines, "_ She ends up in a hospital instead of a ditch, she probably would've been ok." Didn't he go to university and then to medical school? Use the tiny word!
Example: In the episode titled "Beautiful Frame" on TV's "Law and Order: SVU", NYPD Detective Olivia Benson is frustrated at how long her witness/defendant will remain in jail. The District Attorney says to her, " _ You think you can do this faster, help yourself." I suppose the reason he skips that all-important word is that he is too busy being a D.A. in New York City to add it.
Now, would you like to see some examples of where laziness (in both writing and speaking) was not an issue?
Example: Stephen King's huge tome, Under the Dome, has local Chester's Hill resident and meth user saying, "If they had come out with product [meth], he would have pushed the button and blown the whole works sky high." And this comes from a drug pusher! Good job, Mr. King.
Example: In the movie "Meet Joe Black" from 1998, the main character is a father who expresses his desire to see his daughter fall passionately in love. He tells her, "But you have to try because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." I like that he added the small word and I like his advice.
Example: On "Person of Interest" episode "God Mode", do-gooder and vigilante John Reese explains to his new partner Shaw, "If Finch had something to do with the virus, I'm sure he had his reasons."
I applaud the writers for not omitting if.
Example: Kalinda, an investigator for the Chicago law firm where Alicia Florrick [see above] works,
is considering leaving for a new firm. She asks her prospective new employer, "If I agree to exclusivity, what would you offer me?" So, the writers of "The Good Wife" do know how to add if.
Example: NYPD consulting detective Sherlock Holmes, on TV's "Elementary", is embroiled in a complicated matter. His partner, Dr. Joan Watson, says to their superior, Captain Gregson, "If I think he needs to stop, I'll tell you." After all, she is a doctor and the writers recognize that, hence her good elocution.
Example: On "The Big Bang Theory", episode "The Proton Resurgence", astrophysicist Raj has to spend the weekend at a telescope lab so he asks his best friend Howard to dog sit. Howard is less than thrilled to do it and says, "You know, if you had a stroke, she'd eat you, right?" Hurray! The engineer from Cal Tech (and his writers) speak good English.
Well, Readers, there are no ifs, ands or buts about it. If we speak good English, we appear brighter than the norm.
